i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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