my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
