Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
