just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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