Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
