the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
