I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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