i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Randomize
