Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
