so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My bed smells like the plague
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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