have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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