Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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