she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
