Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fill condoms, not promises.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
