I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
