I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
