Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
