I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
