i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Randomize
