can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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