The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
