You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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