mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I got inside last night via doggy door
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
