Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
