I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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