i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
