hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
