My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
