I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
