Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
