I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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