not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
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