I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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