Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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