dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
