haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
