sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I'm passing your future prison.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
