the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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