So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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