He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
