either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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