If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
