i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
she peed on how many people?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
