I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
