Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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