I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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