Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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