Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
