Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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