my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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