This is not my ceiling
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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