My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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